I'm indebted to Cathy Anderson who actually posted this as a comment on my original "Crap Towns" post. It's way too good to be lost in the realms of a comment on a post from long ago, so I'm publishing the whole thing here. I have to agree with Cathy - Grimsby is truly a crap town, and would get my vote (but it would be a fight with Morecombe, and Grimsby's own neighbour Cleethorpes).
Dear Publishers, I am writing to express my uttermost disgust and outrage on recently reading the publication ‘50 Crappest Towns in England’. I must protest greatly on behalf of all my fellow residents because not only did our very own loathsomely detestable town Grimsby fail to win the title, but it didn’t even make it into the book!
I think a little background information is necessary, for you to begin to understand just how wretched and miserable this small town truly is.
Firstly I shall begin with the name ‘Grimsby’ so called because if Grim the courageous founder of this glorious town? I think not. The name is given purely because some unfortunate souls happened to stumble upon the pathetically miserable river running through, and one of the more intelligent persons among the company expressed their opinion of the sheer gloomy, glum, grimness about the squalid waters which their did reek. And so the small village became known as Grimsby (AKA dirty river).
Somehow quite miraculously over the years the residents here grew and soon it was a town, and one of the worlds biggest fish ports, which may seem like something to boast about but rest assured I can most definitely contradict.
Cruising along the A180, you are totally oblivious to the fate in store for you; in just a few moments time the most putrid stench a man’s nasal senses could be subjected to enters your car window at approximately seventy miles per hour and locks itself in your clothes, hair, car seats and generally all about your person leaving people wondering of ‘Eue de Haddock’ is the latest perfume in fashion. A noisome mephitis to even the strongest of stomachs.
The town of course has other rancid malodours about it, from the repulsive waft of canine faeces to the sickening emanation that drifts from the fetid drains.
And as if things couldn’t get any worse, except after your nose has been put through the unbearable suffering of having to detect all this, your eyes now begin to notice just how appalling the scenery surrounding you is too.
Walking down Hainton Avenue, the unsightly residence in which I had the misfortune of my upbringing you notice that almost everything in sight is in a condition of deterioration; dilapidated, a street of bedraggled tenements; the houses having fallen into a state of disrepair, as through neglect.
A typical terraced house usually consists of the brickwork being broken-down and shabby, the windows being shattered and fragmentary and the welcome mat on the front porch soiled as if by having been dragged through mud, doing quite the opposite of its intended inviting purpose.
And on a Sunday morning, it is a very brave or very foolish man who dares venture out of his front door for a stroll down the street; for unlike London where it was once rumoured the streets were paved with gold, it is a widely known fact that the pavement in Grimsby is coated with vomit.
Only last Sunday I pulled across my curtains and for a moment thought it had snowed overnight; it wasn’t until I opened my window and the sickening stench of stale sick came soaring in did I realise it was not a blessing from mother nature but a result of high alcoholic consumption combined with all night clubbing and a late night stop off at Farebrother Street Pizza and Kebab (which consequently was shut down for improper hygiene leading to food poising, projectile vomiting and intense diarrhoea).
Of course if that wasn’t enough to put you off but the people here are atrociously idiotic. I went for a Chinese last Wednesday only to witness an overweight balding man in slippers shouting abusively at the chef there because he had ordered a desert and had received a main course, unfortunately the illiteracy of this simpleton led him to believe ‘tofu’ was a hard chewable sweet, highly popular with the elderly. Alas.
Though saying all this, there has been the occasional effort on behalf of the council to attempt ‘cleaning up’ the town. A project was launched last month to rid the streets of the very much detested ‘dog poop’ Why owners can’t just use a pooper scooper and take a plastic bag with them is beyond me. The scheme was that a sample from all the faeces found on the streets would be taken and matched to whatever dog produced it, it was all going perfectly to plan except when the polls actually came out, eighty-five percent of the dirty substance turned out to have been produced by humans. Sickening.
All in all this pitifully dismal community is one of total destruction and disintegration, whether it being physical, moral, social, or economic and I am almost certain on having receive this letter you will most definitely be re-publishing your book, with our very own ‘Crap Town’ as the rightly acclaimed champion.
Yours sincerely
Miss Catherine Anderson
cheers, you just saved me a trip. I weas abut to meet someone there tonight.
Posted by: Anthony | September 27, 2005 at 12:52 PM
it's true! i live in grimsby and it really is completely crap!!!!
Posted by: kitti | November 30, 2005 at 01:45 PM
it has good cakes though!!!
Posted by: kitti | November 30, 2005 at 01:47 PM
Best of British, yearh right!?!
Posted by: cat | November 30, 2005 at 01:49 PM
haha well done cathy, very funny!
Posted by: vicky | October 13, 2007 at 08:06 PM
haha well done cathy, very funny!
Posted by: vicky | October 13, 2007 at 08:07 PM
its better than Hull or Scunthorpe stay away if you dont like it.It has problems yer but where dosnt now adays people like you should be more positive and look for the good,there is a lot of nice friendly people here willing to help others in there need.
Posted by: lairdy | November 03, 2007 at 06:52 PM
why not just move, u fool? streets paved with vomit? you must live in a poor, and scruffy part of town, cuz i'v neva seen that!! i could (actually) move to Australia tomorrow if i wanted, but CHOOSE to live in Grimsby! its rough, ok (i'm thinking of the murder last friday, and the arson on the Birds Eye factory the other month), you can't get away from that, but its the same story all over the country! be proud of were you come from! GY 'til i die!
Posted by: GYwez! | November 27, 2007 at 04:29 PM
Hmmm! wot a load of rubbish that was! its not just that i dont agree, but the fact that most of it is plain un-true!! the part about someone throwing up in your garden is probably true, and thats why you've got the hump, HeHeHe!!! honestly though, why would you want to (wrongly) lead out-of-towners to believe Grimsby is this hell place, where residents run around crapping on our own pavements??? i dont know, maybe you should go into fantasy writing? make a bit of money, with stories as far fetched as that! just a thought......
Posted by: just me!! | January 08, 2008 at 05:18 PM
While its true Grimsby has its problems, can i stress, it is not by far the worst place in the UK to live. Grimsby's 'rough' and 'tough' reputation, has grown on from the tough,hard working dockers, who use to put Grimsby on the map. 'Rough/tough' are not new labels to the town, as many would think.It has always been a working class town, and always (sadly but true) had problems with violence, and the like. I find it all to sad, these days, when reading the Grimsby Telegraph, to hear of how our town, is 'out of control' or 'on a downward spiral.' Although, it has to be said, headlines such as the awfull attacks on fireman on the Willows estate (battered with planks of wood, shot with fireworks), and yobs putting images of themselfs torching cars on Youtube, are shamefull, i think more should be done by the police/council. I truely believe we can take this town back. The mental folk who walk the streets may be beyond helping (thick folk never learn, and you can never tell them to learn to behave), but if there was something they actually feared, maybe it would make people think twice. The police/council simply arn't doing enough (if anything). It is fact that both the local police force and local council are low down, with the worst in the country. Take Birdseye, it took, SEVEN attempts for arsonists to burn it to the ground, all within a year!!! after the first time, was the site made secure? was more security placed on site? No! Every other factory on the street has been torched before, so did they not know what to expect?? The powers that be, need to sort this mess out, before this town really does become.....how people think it is.
Posted by: emn | January 18, 2008 at 09:55 AM
So...... have i got this correct? You're saying, people tried to match dog poo to the dog it came from???!!! What plannet are you on woman!! How the hell do you expect people to do that? It isn't true is it? Why lie? If in fact this was true, and all the poo was found to be human, dont you think they could DNA test it (a lot of work, yeah, but no harder than trying to MATCH IT TO THE DOG IT CAME FROM!!!). Then you really could track down the who did it. You can just poke holes in all these rubbish 'facts' that you state. If it's meant to be a joke, then yeah, nice one, but if you think people are really gonna believe this, you should have stayed at school a few more years!! The other one that got me, was the fella in the Chinese! He fancied some 'toffee' then did he, and went mad when he got 'tofu?' I ask you, who thinks of going to a Chinese when they want some TOFFEE? Really, who? 'Oh i just fancy some toffee, better go to the local Chinese, because they've always got a great stock of the stuff!!!' dear me! nice read though!
Posted by: GRIMSBY TOWN!!! | January 28, 2008 at 03:18 PM
HeHeHe, you can see it now, can't ya. theres a knock at the door, and a ''Hi mrs, do you mind if i just check your dogs arse, you see, i have in my pockets, several bags of dog shit, that i'd just like to try and match up!''
Posted by: craig | March 31, 2008 at 01:02 AM
HeHeHe, you can see it now, can't ya. theres a knock at the door, and a ''Hi mrs, do you mind if i just check your dogs arse, you see, i have in my pockets, several bags of dog shit, that i'd just like to try and match up!''
Posted by: craig | March 31, 2008 at 01:03 AM
They do it with DNA samples you numbskulls. lol
Posted by: andy | October 21, 2008 at 02:42 AM
Hello came across this info about Grimsby, currently dating a Grimsby fellar in Australia, Does anybody know Einer Eskesen an want to chat to me about him, cos I luv learning about where he is from or get in touch with him. Born in Cleethorpes 1959. He will be 50 this year and Im trying to arrange something special for him.
indigevent.services@westnet.com.au
Kitty
Posted by: Kitty | January 04, 2009 at 01:58 AM
This Miss Catherine Anderson lives in the worst part of Town. That area is just like other Town and cities were no hopers live. Instead of being proactive she just moans that no one else is sorting her problems out. Obviously to busy waiting for the giro to come to support her off spring by many fathers. This bint is the typical waynetta off tele and is in every town and city. If she got off her arse she could live in a nice area like me but some people are addicted to handouts, it's seems that some of them now have a PC, probably knocked off with dodgy software too.
Posted by: Dave | January 07, 2009 at 10:52 PM
Hi I know an Einer Eskesen just turned 50 and lives in Perth WA. But thats about all I know I lost touch with him ages ago.
Posted by: Natalie | July 29, 2009 at 05:13 AM